A few days ago, I was chilling, lying in bed, listening to music, kids asleep, lights off, diffuser on, you know, feeling good. Then I noticed a change. You know that feeling you have when even if the whole house is quiet, you just know something in the background has changed? Yes, that was it. What I had noticed was a slight alteration in the ambient sounds that typically accompany those few minutes before I fall asleep.

So I noticed this change and first I paused the music playing on my phone, then I pulled up one side of my headphones and paused for a bit, then I sat up straight. It all sounded normal but there was a change, I knew there was. So I got up and opened the door, walked through the corridor to the centre of the living area, peeked into the kitchen and figured what I thought it was. The dishwasher, which we load and run just before bedtime, was humming as usual, but the sound was different. It seemed a bit louder, more grunt-like somewhat, like it was straining a bit harder to do what it was designed to do, what it normally did. As I walked back to my zen place, I made a note to check with my husband after he woke up, see if he noticed the change during the next cycle on the following night. But in the interim I calculated quickly the steps we’d need to follow to get it fixed.

There were 2 major instinctual responses here - find out the problem, and fix the problem. But when I settled back in bed, a thought hit me. Beyond the 2 big responses, it was about the process. I thought about my response to the change and how I made a plan for reversal to equilibrium. I thought about how in the space of 1 minute, I had mirrored the current journey I’m going through with my health and wellbeing. I will explain.

You see, I’ve been living with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS) for as long as I remember being an adult, even if I didn’t know this all along. I was only officially diagnosed in 2010 as part of an investigation into one of its expressions which I was facing in my fertility journey at the time. I am working on a separate post going into PCOS as a whole and my personal journey, so I won’t bother you with those details now. One of the main characteristics of PCOS is the mess it makes of your hormones. And I have spent time in the last few years trying to understand mine. I was doing pretty well, but recently with all the change I had to manage in 2021, havoc had been predictably wreaked on my body. I noticed changes recently, and because of the time I’ve spent learning my body, I had a general idea that there was a problem. My metabolism, moods, menstrual cycle, digestion, energy and fitness levels, appetite, literally everything has been impacted lately.

What was most insightful was that the process I’ve been going through is quite similar to the steps I took when I noticed the change in the ambient sounds that night. I’ve had to “pause the music” by eliminating the extra sounds and stimuli that drown out my internal rhythms. I’ve had to “take off my headphones and sit up”, recognising that blocking out logic and remaining in this state of imbalance is not what I need in order to feel better. I’ve had to “get out of bed and walk to the centre of the living area”; to a spot where I can figure out where the change in the hum is coming from, checking my heart, my state of mind, my schedule, my feelings, my current diet, trying to separate them from what could be based on fact and what could be under the influence of unbalanced hormones; what could be causing this imbalance and what could be caused by it. I “identified the sources”. I “checked” with my husband who knows me better than anyone else; saw the changes I’m feeling through his eyes and even confirmed from my perceptive son through a stealthy conversation how he felt I was doing. Then while “walking back to recline in bed” (for the time being), I made a plan. I gathered resources and set up a strategy covering my diet, exercise, mindfulness, strength training, supplements/ vitamin regime. There’s now a long checklist further adding to my massive workload; but all I’m trying to do is find equilibrium, balance, normalcy. There’s already so much excitement in other areas of my life, my health and wellbeing need to be as boring as possible. And while that sounds like a fool’s dream for someone with PCOS, my “cysters” can confirm that balance is all we crave; and giving up and accepting imbalance is a one-way ticket to chaos.

So while you might not be in exactly the same boat as I am, I have a feeling that you can relate to this. You notice something has changed. Why stay laid in bed, in your comfortable happy place, exposing yourself to uncertainty as you sink deeper into sleep, into your most vulnerable state? Why don’t you simply follow logic? turn off the music for a while, take off your headphones, walk toward the noise, question it, confirm it, plan to eliminate it. And even if you haven’t quite got to the point where you can do something about it, even if it means you need to wait a few hours or another day to be sure of your plan, go to sleep knowing you have a plan. It might not succeed 100% but trust me, you’ll sleep better knowing you have a plan. And as long as we keep being present, we will find something as close to balance as possible. I know this, and that’s why I keep doing this.

So now that you’ve read this story, what are you gonna balance today?