Of Self-Awareness

So a few years ago I went through a rough time. I thought I had dealt with it and was coping well.

Fast forward to one morning a few months ago, I woke up to a message from my friend. It was a rant of sorts, like she was thinking aloud and trying to make sense of something that we were all going through which was similar to what I had faced those years ago. I literally woke up at 5am and saw her message which she had sent at around the same time. I didn’t reply. Not immediately. I said I was busy with the morning routine but apparently I was deflecting and in denial. Couldn’t figure out why but couldn’t pause to explore it anyway; that would defeat the purpose of being in denial. So I kept moving.

Eventually I got around to re-reading her message and responding. And as I began to type, the words seemed to pour out of their own accord. I didn’t realise I thought certain things or was coping with things in a certain way until I typed them out. I was literally typing and reading my heart’s voice and staring at my words in surprise. I wrote some words that I hadn’t dared to express for fear of..... I don’t know really..... I had the strongest urge to press the backspace key repeatedly but I took the plunge and tapped send instead.

And for the next few weeks after that chat, I found myself in this uncomfortable place of trying to accept that this is where I was; that I’m not as well adjusted as I wanted to believe; that I don’t have the answers and I’m not okay with that; that I’m far away from my comfort zone and the coping mechanism I deployed until then was perhaps not the most optimal.

Discussing with my husband Franklin, as usual, brought confirmation that the new discovery wasn’t as new to him. He’s a keen observer and wasn’t as surprised as I was by the fact that I had let these things sit unresolved. And so I had even so much more to think about; including what other blind spots I might have had.

But why this background? I picked up a few tips from this experience about self-awareness and digging deep that I’d like to share. I have by no means figured it out but I’m on the journey, and I think someone else might be too.

CONFRONT IT in your own way!

I remembered that writing is my therapy. I had abandoned it in a bid to just keep going. Writing makes me confront myself and for a long time I avoided that for reasons that are now clearer to me. It’s interesting that at the tiniest instance of an opportunity (replying to a whatsapp message) it all came pouring out; almost like my outlet had been starved for attention and needed to just work as soon as possible. Whether it stays in my notebook or Notes app or it gets posted or published, it is a built-in outlet and I need to use it. I posted an IG story the other day about facing the feelings we don’t want to; and a number of people messaged me relating to the sentiment but wanting desperately to avoid the hard work and pain. So this is normal, right? We are all running away from the tough conversations; so obviously we need to face our feelings, face our trauma, address our issues head-on. It’s painful grunt work, but so worth it. My epiphany came up as part of a chat with a friend. Sometimes it’s worse and when the blow-up comes, unfortunately it’s out of your hands and you have to just jump into damage control mode and play catch-up; which is even more painful and sometimes destructive.

UNPACK IT AND DIG IN by yourself!

You can never be too self-aware. You can’t know yourself completely but that’s no reason not to try. These discoveries can be revealed to you in a variety of ways, and it’s not up to you how that happens. But you can within your own sphere of influence limit these surprises; by investing in knowing yourself. Spend time to figure out how you act and why you react the way you do to certain things. In addition to speaking to yourself about yourself, attempt to drill down to the reasons and see if there are patterns; try to understand those patterns and either change them or accept them. But just know yourself! How else can you tell what you can or cannot handle, what you do and do not deserve if you don’t know who you are; if you don’t know what you are and aren’t capable of? We spend so much time, effort and energy trying to understand other people in order to best suit their needs and preferences. Mostly our motivation is to be relevant or accepted or liked or loved by these people. Imagine how much richer our relationships would be if we, as a starting point all got to the table with this basic knowledge about ourselves. Wouldn’t we be better people, better partners, better friends, better parents, better children, better professionals, just better? Imagine how much we would love ourselves if we knew and appreciated who we are and how we have carried what we have been through! Imagine how much better we could love each other when we know and can communicate how we each need to be loved!

EXPRESS IT!

There’s a lot of stigma around opening up. I grew up with the mindset that emotional strength was a virtue but no one defined what that was really or how to go about exploring and exercising it. I remember as a teen/ young adult taking pride in the fact that I wasn’t a crier - like that meant anything. Somehow life happened and now I can cry at the drop of a hat. Does that make me weak? Does that mean I’m a mess? Not necessarily. The tears are just a reaction; a visible by-product of the fact that I’m letting myself feel. I wouldn’t think certain thoughts because I felt there was some strict guideline about what I should let pass through my mind. While that is true to some extent, at what point do we draw the line between controlling our thoughts and losing our authenticity? Yet another thing I’m trying to figure out. I still feel a few nigglings of shame and discomfort when I find myself in a vulnerable position with someone. It takes some getting used to. But I’m discovering that to be the only true authentic version of myself, I need to let my mind and body do what they need to do. I’m not fighting tears anymore, not avoiding thoughts anymore, no longer telling myself “it doesn’t matter” when my heart is crying to explore that issue one last time. Surely it has to be easier and more rewarding to surround ourselves with people who create a safe environment for us to explore, know and love ourselves than to bottle up feelings, avoid issues and walk around not being the best version of ourselves we can possibly be.

In summary, I’m just gonna be myself - whoever that is. Sometimes she can be messy and sometimes she can be amazing. She can be well-adjusted and she can be dysfunctional. She can be a gift and sometimes a little too much wahala. But she’s on the journey and she’s doing just fine.... All things considered!

PS: The Good Conversation series will be launching in 2 weeks. No better time than now when most of us are locked down at home. So if you want to eavesdrop into some of my insightful and fun conversations with some phenomenal everyday people, keep your eyes peeled for more updates coming into your inbox.