Loving Motherhood: 5 Tips for Maintaining Your Identity and Well-being
For someone who has lived with PCOS for as long as I can remember, I’ll be the first person to tell you that being a mother is a beautiful and rewarding experience, one that I cherish every single day. My expectations of loving motherhood were always kind-of realistic because I had been around a lot of moms. However, no one really prepares you for how overwhelming it is, and how easily it can consume your entire identity. Motherhood is a transformative experience that can shape every aspect of your life, and it’s so easy to lose sight of who you are in the midst of nurturing and raising your children. This is where I come in! I don’t need to get into the juggling act that is motherhood here because if you clicked on this link, chances are you already know all about that.
I am by no means a parenting expert, because like you, I’m learning as I go. But when something works, I’d be the first to shout it on the rooftops. Why do I do that? Well, because as far as I’m concerned in this circle and community of trust, no one should struggle if one person knows how not to! In this blog post, I’ll go into some essential tips that have helped me navigate the demands of motherhood while still actively working to preserve my personal identity and well-being. And I can tell you for free, that even if these moments and seasons come around rarely, there’s nothing more fulfilling than maintaining your identity and well-being while embracing the beautiful journey of motherhood. I will guide you through five practical tips that have helped me preserve my personal identity while being (or trying to be) a devoted mother, and how I’ve made these work so far.
1 - Recognizing the Importance of Self-Care
I’ve learnt that this is key towards maintaining your identity and overall well-being as a mother. We’ve all heard stores of empty nesters who suddenly don’t know what to do with themselves when their kids go off to college. A lot of older women have told me to avoid waiting until then to put myself first. Self-care, an often overused expression is many things to many people. Self-care is to you what self-care is to you, and to no one else! The instagram photos are nice but it doesn’t always look that easy and photogenic. Self-care activities should replenish your energy and restore your sense of self. Whether it's a relaxing bath, a solo walk in nature, or enjoying a hobby, these moments of self-indulgence allow you to recharge and reconnect with your own identity beyond motherhood.
The main act of self-care for me is intentionally choosing in may ways to prioritize my own needs - not the kids’, not my partner’s, not my job’s. Mine! Now let’s not mix this up with selfishness. That’s a whole other thing that I hope motherhood has weaned you off of, anyway. I’m talking about 1) choosing for a specified period to take specific action to give myself what I need - alone time, a nice movie, satisfy a craving, whatever it is. And also 2) deciding to always check in on myself and not get lost in the shuffle. So this is both a short and long term action. Thinking long-term about caring for myself helps me stay present when things are busy and tough, because I know my short term fix is coming soon! I try to always have something planned or booked that’s just for me, and that keeps me going. When the boys act up, or there’s just a little too much chaos in my schedule, I know I’ve got a free weekend coming up, or a chat with a friend, or yes, a spa appointment!
By prioritizing your own needs and being in a good place yourself, you can ensure that you have the energy and mindset necessary to be a good place for your little ones.
2 - Setting Boundaries and working with ‘some’ structure
There’s a lot of talk about boundaries these days, and we’re not going to go too deep into it beyond exploring how to make them work for you in your motherhood journey. The assumption is that you’ve got your priorities sorted in whatever order you have chosen. As a mother, it's easy to get caught up in the never-ending to-do list. However, it's crucial to establish limits and communicate them to your loved ones.
Setting boundaries can involve designating times for specific activities. I personally have found the joint family calendar to be a game-changing tool for our family. We schedule events - no matter how mundane they seem - and display them on the fridge and sync’d to our devices so everyone knows what’s planned. If it’s not on the calendar, it’s probably not going to get done! We also have designated days and rules as boundaries. Find what works for you. It could be something as simple as, not having playdates or social events more than 2 consecutive days; or keeping one weekend evening free for downtime, regardless of what’s going on. While these sound like ‘family boundaries’ being set with others, having these in place has helped me manage my stress and offered some predictability which reduces my anxiety. You can also set personal boundaries with the rest of the family, especially when your children are of a certain age. trust me, it helps with their own development. I sleep in on Saturday mornings. This is supposed to be non-negotiable, which means I have a success rate of about 70% so far. That’s better than nothing if you ask me!
A very important aspect of setting boundaries is learning to say NO. If you’re a compassionate person, a people-pleaser, or just someone who wants everyone to have as little friction as possible, this might seem like an uphill climb, but walk with me for a second! I think it is the ultimate form of self-love to recognize your limitations and understand you have the right to decline certain obligations or activities that don't align with your well-being or personal goals. Remember, saying no is not a reflection of your love or dedication as a sister, friend, partner or mother—it's a way to protect your own mental, emotional, and physical health and safeguard your identity and overall well-being. And wouldn’t you rather be a more fulfilled and helpful person to them in the long-term? Wouldn’t you rather you both feel good after you’ve been there for them, than slowly breed resentment?
3 - Discovering and Pursuing Your Passions
I’ve found that taking the time to explore my own interests and hobbies has greatly enhanced my journey as both a mother and an individual. Discovering your passions begins with self-reflection. Ask yourself “What activities or subjects bring me joy and fulfillment?” What are the things you've always wanted to explore but have never had the chance to? Whether it's painting, writing, cooking, dancing, or anything else that ignites a spark within you, make it a priority to indulge in these passions. This allows you to express your creativity and also serves as a reminder of who you are outside of motherhood. Engaging in activities that light up your soul and make you feel alive can reignite your sense of self and purpose, and help you tap into your unique talents and strengths, leading to personal growth and fulfillment.
While it may seem challenging to make time for your passions amidst the demands of motherhood, remember that it's not about finding large chunks of time but rather incorporating small moments of joy into your daily routine. Whether it's dedicating a few minutes every day, joining a gym class or setting aside specific times during the week, find a schedule that works for you. Involve your children in your passions whenever possible, turning it into a bonding experience and showing them the importance of pursuing their own interests.
4 - Building a Supportive Community
You’ve probably heard the saying, “It takes a village”. Honestly, in my experience, it really does! Building a Supportive Community allows you to further enhance your journey as a mother and individual, as you surround yourself with like-minded individuals who understand and support your desires to maintain your identity and well-being. I have had to be particularly intentional about this one since we have relocated quite a bit in our parenting years so far, so finding a community has always been front of mind for me. Have there been some false starts and withdrawals from company that weren’t what we or our kids found healthy? Oh yes! But have I made some amazing friends that have become family? Absolutely! Having sociable kids has definitely helped, as we have an endless stream of new families in our social circle who are going through similar phases.
I’m generally comfortable chatting with anyone, so it hasn’t been surprising that we’ve also met some of our closest community members after random encounters - a chat at the nail salon, an instagram comment, or even over drinks at a house party. Surrounding yourself with like-minded individuals who share similar values and goals creates a safe space where you can openly discuss your fears, dreams, and aspirations without fear of judgment. The tough part is confirming that our values align - the way we are raising our children, our ideas for what a healthy family unit should be, etc. It’s an added plus when we have similar interests. It’s not so much about getting help with babysitting or errands (which sometimes is a perk of having a community.) Sometimes all you need is a sounding board, and having people around you who can provide that, makes all the difference! A nail appointment with a fellow mum, family BBQs with the whole crew, an endless stream of funny videos and memes flooding my DMs, long conversations that remind me that I’m not crazy. That’s community to me!
A supportive community can come in various forms - from other mothers in your neighborhood or online groups to local clubs or organizations centered around your hobbies or interests. Consider joining a parenting group where you can attend regular meet-ups, share experiences, and exchange advice with fellow mothers who understand the unique journey you are on.
And what better example to show your children how healthy friendships and communities are built?
5 - Embracing Imperfection and Letting Go of Guilt
In this journey of motherhood, there will be days when everything goes smoothly, and there will be days when things fall apart. It's only natural to want to be the best mother possible, but the pressure to be perfect can often leave us feeling overwhelmed and guilty. We compare ourselves to other moms, questioning whether we're doing enough or making the right choices. But here's the truth: there is no such thing as a perfect mother. Embracing imperfection means accepting that you will make mistakes and that it's okay. Instead of striving for perfection, focus on being the best version of yourself. Your children don't need a perfect mother; they need a happy and fulfilled one. By taking care of your own well-being and pursuing your passions, you are setting a positive example for your children. And it’s okay to let them see your imperfection! We’re trying to raise emotionally healthy and wholesome people here.
Letting go of guilt can be challenging, but remember that guilt is a wasted emotion that serves no purpose. Instead of dwelling on what you could have done differently, focus on what you can do moving forward. Learn from your mistakes, but don't let them define you.